Medical March
Moving into the realm of continued diagnosis, tests, treatment options, new protocols, and frequent appointments, I’m on a march—not knowing how short or how long. I’m experiencing more stress and busyness that sometimes engulfs me. Running from appointment to appointment, Zoom call to Zoom call, and call after call, my friendship was reactivated with my good ole friend “humor.”
To smile and laugh is both enjoyable and healing. Many people think of the “smiley” face when someone mentions smile. The “smiley” was a basic ideogram created in the 1950s as “two dots and a line to represent eyes and a mouth.” In 1963 an insurance company paid $45 to Harvey Ross Ball for his well-known smiley face creation. The smiley face is now worth millions worldwide and has evolved into the smiley face emoji.
Humor helps us deal with reality in a positive, healthy way. Remember as you read when humor suddenly bubbles up from a dark, painful, or forbidden place it is not minimizing or judging whatsoever. I’m just adding a cheerful patina of laughter, joy, and humility to medical situations in my “medical march.” Like any march, it is sometimes fast, sometimes slow and sleepy, sometimes wide awake but occasionally intolerable moving at a fast and furious cadence.
My first target is simply the prescription bottle. Have you ever carefully read the listed side effects? They are extensive, daunting, and rather humorous at the same time.
First Dose Day - I
You must be kidding me
I made the mistake of reading
the hormone therapy side effects
Does anyone really read this stuff?
Just a few of the side effects listed,
Allergic reaction
Wheezing
Itching
Rashes
A fast heartbeat
Chest pain or pressure
An abnormal heartbeat
Dizziness or passing out
Low mood (Depression)
Red, swollen, or blistered skin
Signs of high blood sugar like
a tightness in the chest or throat,
confusion, feeling sleepy, thirsty,
hungry, passing urine more often,
flushing, fast breathing, and breath
that smells like fruit
OK, OK!
I’ve got some questions
How much tightness?
How confused?
How sleepy?
How thirsty?
How hungry?
What is fast breathing?
How often is too often?
And especially, what kind of fruit?
When I first wrote about these
symptoms I couldn’t stop laughing
Hell, I already have
many of these symptoms
What does that mean?
First Dose Day - II
And now, just a “few” more side effects
Hot flashes
Feeling tired or weak
Diarrhea or constipation
Back, bone, neck, muscle,
joint or neck pain
Weight gain
Sweating a lot
Trouble sleeping
Enlarged breasts
Lowered interest in sex
Not able to keep or
sustain an erection
And the kicker statement
is, “These are not all of the
side effects that may occur”
What?
Kind of open-ended it seems to me
Under this forewarning almost any
side effect I experience being alive
I’ve been warned about in advance
Warned about something that even
though we don’t know what it is or
will be, I’ve been pre-notified
Well, here’s looking at you
Took my first day three pills
and nothing is happening
I am so disappointed
Maybe more luck
Tomorrow!
The next poem below is titled “Side Effect Blues” which I have nicknamed the “SEB’s.” The poem was written very quickly in the evening at a neighbor’s home as I wrote what just jumped into my mind.
Side Effect Blues
I feel down
blue but up
I can’t tell what’s real
What’s a side effect?
Flip a finger
Toss a coin
Either way I lose
Lose my cadence
Lose my rhythm
Lose my mind
Maybe my
humor
Doesn’t matter. Side
effects have a tune
and melody all
their own
The blues
The tunes
The notes
I really don’t care
The SD’s have me down
Done to my knees,
In mud
In pain
In agony
In despair
Maybe in
self-pity
Maybe even to pray
SEB’s, I hope “your” side
effects include a very,
very hot place
(Written 06/18/21—Neighbor’s home)
I’m not a gambler so I was surprised when the next poem popped into my mind, “Drug Symptom Roulette.” I’m having fun writing these side effect poems but honestly, I probably need to move on. I’m overthinking this much too much which my wife says I tend to do. Imagine that!
Drug Symptom Roulette
I have symptoms
Many symptoms
You bet your ass
Numerous symptoms, no resolutions
Symptoms that quickly appear
Symptoms that disappear
Symptoms that migrate
Symptoms that mutate
Symptoms that
do whatever
they want
when
they
want
Maybe even symptoms
that can sing and dance
Maybe even read me a
lullaby and tuck me in
Maybe even make my
medical appointments
But more importantly,
to cancel any medical
appointments I don’t
want on my calendar
What’s a noble symptom
surely worth keeping
around for a while?
A symptom willing
to be my special friend
through thick & thin
Not surprising, none
comes readily
to mind
What’s my big problem?
It’s that’s I really would
like to know which of my
special symptom friends
might bite me in the
back someday
Is that too much to ask?
Mentioning overthinking reminds me how people sometimes call me computer brain. This isn’t necessarily a positive statement meaning I over-think, over-analyze, over-ponder, and probably over-pontificate when focused on a topic.
While writing I suddenly thought about spinning and circles going round and around. That reminded me of a poem written over 23 years ago which I quickly found on my laptop. So, maybe you now have a hint what my family, friends, and my wife sometimes say about me.
In Circles
Forever in circles
Round and around
Life’s merry-go-round
Forever in tiny circles
Forever confused
Forever bemused
Forever puzzled
Forever lost
Confused by
repeated stops
and familiar faces
flashing before me
No one knows
Where do I stop?
Where do I start?
Where am I?
Looking forward in
a rear-view mirror
Circles of life
Circles of pain
Circles of hope
Circles within me
Circles around me
Circles surrounding me
Circling round and around
visiting places unknown
For the thousandth time
(Written 07/07/1998)
Experiencing a lull in medical appointments my thoughts turned to, “what can I do now?” Rest or contemplate? Anticipate or regurgitate? Chill or drill? Sleep or creep to bed? Maybe I’ll just “close my eyes wide open” to see what happens!
A surprise, I searched and discovered this statement, which is very similar to mine, is already taken. It’s the name of the 1999 movie “Eyes Wide Shut” starring Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, and Sydney Polack. This is how I operate on the fly but computer brain? Not me!
I’m back writing having recently contracted a new disease. It snuck up on me suddenly in the night catching me completely off guard. Quick research revealed it probably isn’t serious or deadly, but I should possibly be concerned.
I’m curious. Have you heard of this disease or know anyone who has been infected by it? It seems to be of more recent origins purportedly evolving at the beginning of the digital age.
My New Ailment
I have a new affliction
I say with little reflection
It cometh to me on fast
wings of the Internet
It confuses me and
causes some concern
But I’m unable
to discern its
origination
or its
risk
It’s fast-growing arriving by
FedEx or maybe it’s UPS
Sometimes it arrives by
email or even snail mail
Either way it afflicts me
in a way like no other
I could love it or
hate it, I can’t
decide
I believe it will stay
with me unto death
do us part or my
technology is
disconnected
or payments
elapsed
I know not the scientific
name or who to blame
for this new affliction
I say with conviction
I think its name
is Form-itis or
Survey-itis
Both can be deadly in
a unique sort of way
Hopefully, I’ll discover
survival rates soon so
as to not worry
or fret
(Written 06/25/21)