Memories Remembered
Memories flooding my brain, my heart, my thoughts, and my soul being ambushed remembering losses in my life. This wasn’t anticipated. My own cancer is dredging up memories I’d forgotten, believing peace had been made and rest was in my soul.
I’m struggling a little right now. Struggling to remain afloat amongst the waves of lost loved ones. My first remembrance is of the death of my son, Scott, at 16 months from liver cancer. Several years ago, in 2003 I wrote the poem below for a couple who had just lost their baby boy. The poem attempted to capture their intense sense of loss, immense pain, and unimaginable agony. It’s the closest I’ve come to remembering what Sandy and I suffered after our son Scott’s death.
Oh God! WHY?
Why have we lost our
precious newborn son?
No reason for his death
Nothing takes away the pain
Our agony utterly unbearable
A small baby,
our small child
Our fine young son
Taken so swiftly from us
Too premature for him
to leave us
Oh God, Oh God!
We can barely whisper
through the pain of our loss
We don’t know how
we will survive
We are crushed
We are devastated
Pain overwhelms us
How will we ever heal?
How can we feel joy?
We don’t know how
to forget the pain
We don’t know if
we can forgive
Right now, we don’t
care one way or the other
Our pain of loss staggers
the foundation of our soul
We are alive, but our light
flickers faintly in darkness
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!
How could
you let this happen?
Why not someone else?
Someone older who
has lived their life
You have taken away
the fine jewel of our love
The true love of our life
The soaring beauty of
a child we created
Oh God! WHY?
But, somewhere deep
within our pain we
hear a quiet voice
A voice whispering
so lightly we can
barely hear
A gentle voice saying,
“just love—my child
I really do love you,
you are my child also”
“The only answer to
your pain is love
You don’t have
to trust me,
just love me”
“Someday you will find
peace in your hearts”
“Peace knowing your
son is with me”
Another memory sneaks stealthily through the deep grass of buried memories. This memory is of my mom who died of lung cancer. My remembrances are mixed as we had an up and down relationship over the years. Her impending death caused reflection of our personal journey and aided me in taking responsibility for my actions and behavior rather than blaming my mom. My acceptance of this enabled me to speak her eulogy openly and freely from my heart.
Mom
I miss you
Feelings of love and release
Of love and peace
Of love and relief
Why do I miss you?
Because of our closeness
Our proximity of space
We will always be
connected now!
I have mixed feelings
of loss and fresh places
and visages of vast spaces
Feelings of loss but yet of
tomorrow’s promises
I’m happy having peace
Peaceful accepting your release
Peace knowing you are safe
and now free
My thoughts now turn to the loss of my wife Arlene to cancer. From the time we met in June 1997 until the time she died was only twenty-six months. I was a new Christian, and her loss shook me to my core. I didn’t understand then and I don’t understand now after twenty-two years. I don’t understand, I just don’t.
But a reason for enduring is that Arlene was baptized a few months after we met. She is in Heaven and that helped me to continue trusting God although I still can’t fathom why and realize I probably never will on Earth.
While visiting family and friends in Omaha, Nebraska over Christmas, I wrote the words below. It was six months after Arlene had died and pain, loss, hurt, hope, and love “all” dwelt within me. But, from the depths of despair, a small tiny light of healing starts shining through.
Watching presents opened and happy faces, I’m peaceful but wish Arlene were here. I don’t have the deep feeling of loneliness but feel as if a piece of a puzzle is missing. A puzzle is a good analogy because although the picture looks complete and whole, it isn’t and never will be.
This I how I feel in life, nearly complete but I can never replace her missing piece in my heart and life. The last few days thoughts and memories aren’t as hurtful as before. Knowing she is now in Heaven gives me a full feeling of peace and closure.
This void in my life is an opportunity to love, help others, cherish Arlene and fulfill my destiny on Earth. Maybe this abyss is actually a positive empty space that can be filled and refilled many times with love for others, love for God, and love of myself.
When visualizing this, I sense Arlene smiling and saying to me, “now you get it, use your love, positive attitude, and energy from God to help others in the world.”
Thank you, my love!
“Your Eyes of Love” was written at Swedish Hospital in Seattle, Washington two days before Arlene died. This was an extremely painful and excruciating time, but her soft and peaceful eyes burned into my heart, family, and friends forever.
Your Eyes of Love
I will never forget your eyes of love
Have never seen the depth of one’s soul
Impossible to describe, I suppose
But I will try
I want to try
I have to try
How do you describe total trust?
How to portray complete surrender?
How do you explain both
love’s purity of totality?
I saw love in your eyes
I will never forget
Eyes of love,
seared on my heart
Eyes of love penetrating the darkness
Eyes of love permeating my heart
How do I tell you?
How do I describe,
her eyes of love?
I don’t know,
if I can
But I have tried
Really tried
How to describe your eyes of
love from the depths
of my own soul?
I wrote another poem “Falling in Love” the same day, finding it remarkable now how my poetry was of love and not loss. I don’t believe Arlene had ever been in love before based upon her words of what she was feeling and experiencing when we met.
We both knew she would be dying soon and we talked openly and freely about our love and looming loss until she died two days later on Sunday.
On Saturday she was still talking and inspiring both family and friends who visited her all day. I’ll never forget the image of five of her close girlfriends gathered around the hospital bed crying and laughing while Arlene’s face shone brightly through pain with peace and joy.
Falling in Love
I remember you sharing
your first feelings of love
You didn’t know what was
happening, “you said”
A warm feeling of molasses covering
your entire body confused you.
It stimulated your senses
Awakened your heart
Captured your soul
You were kind of funny
Really somewhat clumsy
Like a toddler on wobbly legs
Like a teenager growing too fast
Unsteady in your new walk of love
You had so many questions
looking for answers
“Why do I feel this way?”
“Will I always feel this way?”
“Have you felt this way before?”
“Why do I feel I want to
crawl inside you?”
